it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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