y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My liver just had a heart attack.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
