Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
