he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
