anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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