Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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