I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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