he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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