She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
They took my balls.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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