Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
