You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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