I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I want to fling myself into the sun
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
