"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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