Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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