Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
