I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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