Your face is a jimmy john
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
