I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
