we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize