you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
