i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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