Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Randomize
