I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
did i walk over a car last night?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
