i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
