i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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