i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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