she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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