She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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