the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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