If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
where are my eyebrows?
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