Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
