i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I did not marry a roomba.
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