I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
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we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
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I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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