Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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