Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
