i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
