It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
