8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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