Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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