Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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