I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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