shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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