Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
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As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
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Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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