dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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