This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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