brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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