I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
we're so committed to being not committed
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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