I'm so fucking centered right now
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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