So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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