areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
