After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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