She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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