I met the friendliest cop last night
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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