this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
