Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
