At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
