Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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