My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
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