i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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