Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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