i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
