Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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