I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
