if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
